YOUR ANXIETY IS AN ACQUIRED ‘TASTE’
Let’s go back to 2012–15 and I can tell you for sure that social media was just becoming a thing and the ‘influence’ on people was not as much like it is today. In one of the workshops last month, I went onto discuss nervous system regulation as length with a client in her 40s. She was a mother of three children who were finishing high school and her husband was mostly out of town for work. She had brought her kids up alone for the first initial part of their formative years. Her husband, by what she described, was a superb businessman and had amassed huge amounts of wealth through his myriad ventures. She had been brought up by a family who made a ruckus about the smallest of things and her husband was nurtured by folks who were different to hers. Her constant need for being paid attention to sometimes had led to disagreements in her early years of marriage. You could say, she and her husband had totally distinct love languages. He was not codependent, she was.
She came to me with the concern that her daughter (14) might end up being like her, incessantly needing to be validated and panicking at the minutest of things. It was already showing up as the kid was a borderline control freak trying to perfect everything and in the end sabotaging her own progress by self- criticism. Her sons, about two years elder to her daughter had taken up qualities of their dad and were quite balanced emotionally. This is not the only case I had worked on as far as the mental and spiritual balance were concerned. It is quite unbelievable that a few other self- love sessions for other clients also revealed gradually how their home environment was a major factor behind their immense detest for unpredictability.
We all know the phrase “Your vibe attracts your tribe”. It is true for all cases, even relationships. When you do not heal, you fall headfirst into clutches of the wrong people, wrong situations and horribly pathetic ambience. Back when social media was not much of an ‘influence’ we had rubbed shoulders with anyone and everyone. Now what we see online becomes a benchmark for us, immediately. I remember how I only hung out with guy friends who were like brother figures and ruined my chances of dating anyone because I was always considered a “boy”. A lot of my inclination towards men’s clothing also was a derived from the company I kept. The people around had frivolous love lives and believed in groupism. So if our interests matched, we would hang out together but someone could also be influenced to be a part of the same group because they had better access to women, money or resources needed by the rest who wanted to siphon off from the ‘source’. I was from a girl’s college. You shouldn’t have to think much of why guys would want to be my friends. I digress.
When we are in our formative years, schooling and teenage years we tend to observe a lot around us. There is home, tuition and school and for others it could be playgrounds and sporting clubs or even study groups. I have always opined that anxiety is something that people are not aware of until they know of it when they witness it first hand. And it is a by- product of what one may call ‘self- imposed emergency’- the idea that something if not done right now will probably lead to something worse. So the idea of being ‘laidback’ is considered a lazy and careless approach. A few intelligent people will jump to the conclusion, “Oh! But this is how opportunities are lost!” Really? So how many people who have hustled to the extent of compromising with their health and peace of mind are fully functional, physically and mentally? We as humans are bound by time when we say we have to reach a certain place by a certain hour but has it ever occurred to you that when you are rushing to get to the destination you always find some unnecessary obstacle that tests your patience further? Traffic jams, road rage, etc.
We are not talking about lethargy here. We are dealing with an idea that is forced down our throats that if something is not done in ABC manner then there is only failure. Hence, the haste and the rush. If you grow up with a part who stresses about the most minimal of things, your nervous system is already doomed. You will panic for something that has not occurred yet and the ability to whip up a solution will not even show up anywhere in your subconscious. Do you realise what magnitude of being mentally handicapped this might go on to be?
Anxiety is an acquired taste just like how we mingle with a few people for some days and tend to adopt their mannerisms and language. What you entertain is also what you become. When you are in the company of problem solvers, you become one of them. When you are amidst those who like to imagine problems that do not even exist, you become one of those who bring in issues without even thinking of them. Codie Sanchez one said that worrying means you are actually becoming an atheist. Now the choice is one’s one, whether they trust the Almighty, Nature, Cosmic Order or themselves or just a bunch of problems that might find a solution one day.
The problem is people want to pick food up and burn their mouths while it is on the stove. How are we this foolish? There is no patience left in people and unfortunately this is what we advocate in social media and everywhere around, notably, workplaces. I rarely see individuals with good leadership skills who can motivate those who are looking up to them because no one wants to grow out of their mental limits. It is sad but it is true that no one teaches us to stay calm in crisis. Thousands and thousands of instructions are slapped on our faces time and again but no one has a clue how to KEEP COMPOSURE. What use is our education and socializing if we cannot even think of stopping when required?
What can be done then?
a. Teach children breathing exercises from their childhood.
b. If you are a parent and do not know to stop being ‘hyper’ around your kids, I offer coaching for the same in my nervous system regulation sessions. Reach out: anjashi.work@gmail.com
c. Please please please stop listening to what other people are doing in their lives. Your timeline or your kid’s timeline is not the same as the others.
d. Self- inflicted pain is when you become overtly critical about yourself if something you expected from yourself did not materialise the way you wanted it to. Give yourself grace. You are not perfect. You can improvise everyday but to beat yourself up for it makes no sense if you are wanting to grow as a human being.
e. Get rid of the ego. Yes. You read it right. Get rid of it immediately. Our egos stem from a place of fear. Your ego stops you from changing your self image. You ego is the reason why you cannot think of yourself as doing better so you sabotage everything by falling back into the same patterns because this is what looks ‘familiar’. Hence, if so and so person does not do according to my whims and fancies, something is really wrong. STOP IT!
f. Rome was not built in a day. This proverb is self- explanatory.
For coaching: anjashi.work@gmail.com
Instagram: https://instagram.com/anjashisarkar
