MILLENNIALS ARE EMOTIONALLY WRECKED: If you’re new to parenthood, you cannot skip this
Disclaimer: All views expressed in this article are an aggregate and deconstruction of interactions with clients, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. I would urge you to keep an open mind when you read it because it is necessary about what is being talked about rather than pointing fingers about what is right or wrong “morally”. I am never going to put anything out in my blog if it weren’t serious from the perspective of a greater narrative. This also means I am not targeting anyone in particular but suggesting ways how amendments may be made in times of crisis instead of being completely disoriented and recklessly making decisions that end up messing relations with your progeny.
I was casually having a conversation with one of my closest friends about emotional needs of children when they grow up. I have a plan to conduct a seminar for parents to help them connect with their children better and I intend on sending invites to the parents of all clients of mine. A pertinent opinion, anyway, that stood out during one of our conversations was, “No one really knows the formula to perfect parenthood because it is the first time for a couple to be parents too. They are also BORN as parents like a child is BORN.” I came back home and looked through my clients’ files and data that I have collected over the years to understand the trajectory of parent-child relationships from a certain stage of one’s life to another. I have to admit that most of the 90s kids have had no real outlet to express themselves or have an opinion on things that didn’t quite sit well in their conscience. Hence, their relationship issues are similar throughout, lack of self-esteem runs deep in their system and I cannot even begin to talk about an unregulated nervous system.
Millennial kids (90s children) did not have access to a lot of the online stuff that kids these days have. They are only figuring out certain aspects of life because their mental development was through non-media sources. The exposure was less and some ideas were pushed down their throats with the notion that “this is how things work” and “if you can’t do ABC then you are going to lose out on life”, etc. Parents had different ways to bring children up and education was not like what it is right now. Options were lesser so everyone grew up in a rat race thinking that if an opportunity is lost there cannot be another one. The same conversations happened in the households and parents normally did not question age-old ways of nurturing and bringing their offspring up. It was either “my way” or the “highway” with 95% of things and anger management issues are a common problem in families. A constant knack of picking wrong partners, ending up being doormats and people pleasers- these weren’t taught to the millennials; they became such because “something bad happened to me so I need to keep everyone happy to be accepted.” Millennials are bad receivers, let’s just admit.
What went wrong? And I can already feel the groans coming in.
A. Creative sides of children were subdued. Therefore, if you weren’t good in studies you were labelled as “dumb” even if you had a wonderful hand at painting or excelled at sports. I understand finances are concerning for a lot of families but I also see families that do everything to ensure an “artist” in a child does not die.
B. A deaf ear was turned to concerns about body image and ridicule in society/ extended families. Something like, if my child looks odd or is categorised as “weird”, I have something to be ashamed of. Consider this: someone just casually said, “Oh, your child is quite restless” to which there was an apologetic tone instead of an answer, “he/ she is different” in public and in private the child could have been told, “You need to behave.” A child self-respect is also important as much as an adult’s.
C. Complete ignorance of mental and psychological breakdowns when there was a crisis in interpersonal relationships. So, if someone got screwed by a member of the opposite sex, there was little to no support instead “you have brought shame to us by doing ABC”. That is the first instance how you lose a child to the outside environment because they don’t trust you anymore. The external elements become their second home because they somehow “listened” to the pains and helped dealing with agony better.
D. Trying to fulfil your unmet needs by making your child do something you like but they don’t. And then giving them an ultimatum that if they fail, it IS THE END OF THE WORLD.
Everyone would be asking at this very moment, “What would possibly have been a good way to ensure that our child was raised well and been unproblematic?”
I would really like to ask them, “You became parents and did that guarantee that you became humans who could never make a mistake in their lives? Can you say for sure that every decision you ever took was the perfect 0ne?” Some would taint me as ungrateful and insensitive but I speak from the place of empathy and understanding for those who had to resort to illicit activities to be able to find acceptance somewhere. When children don’t find love at home, they will look for it outside. That has always been the case.
The counter argument always is, “But we have sacrificed so much for our child and we expect them to repay us by…” Yes, I am not disagreeing on that. I am only telling you that it wouldn’t hurt if you allowed a healthy conversation to happen at home instead of touting it as “disrespect” because that kid wanted someone to hear what they had to say. When you try to drown a voice, it will build up as resentment and that makes someone bitter. They will never know what they truly want and end up being in spaces that aren’t right for them because there is no agency to back them up. All those people you see building something at the fag end of their lives? Yes. Those ones.
Society disappoints us anyway in various instances. The last thing we need is our family also doing the same.
The whole point of this write up was to make sure you are not underplaying yourself as a parent. You watch your child grow into a teen and then an adult. Please don’t forget you are supposed to grow as a parent too. Because at one point in time, your parents must become your friend and when they don’t, there are secrets, lies, deception and no compassion.
As a parent, your assumptions also make for the consciousness of your child. Teach them to deal with problems, not to run from them. There is nothing in this world so problematic that it cannot be solved. Here’s something you can take note of:
- Instead of “what are we going to do?” say “We will figure this out.”
- Instead of “we don’t have money for ABC” say “maybe we could try this the next month after you become a master at this excellent skill you have just discovered about yourself”.
- Instead of “you’re always being obstinate” say “what can I do to make you agree to what I am saying?”
- Instead of “you don’t study at all and this is why you’re going to fail” say “I know you want to do everything apart from studying but you really like that car so we need you to get back to your books before someone else can cough up the money to buy it before you.”
- Instead of “why don’t you lose weight so that someone can take interest in you” say “we will work out together when we can” or “I know you love eating and it is hard for you to quit the sweets but you know if you just take a little care of what you’re eating you can shock everyone one day with your determination. You might even consider a change in your career and do something cool that nobody has ever thought you could.”
- Instead of, “if you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend you are a bad kid” or “liking someone at 15?” say “why don’t you bring your friend to meet us?” [Socialisation is imperative for a kid because when you prohibit something the next bad thing that happens is the same interaction looks like a marvel and your kid now thinks it is a prize to be able to romance someone from the opposite sex.]
- Instead of “we spend so much money on your education and you can’t even get good grades” say “I am sure you’re smarter than this and I believe you can do better.”
I have never said this with immense disappointment, “Families have failed millennials time and again because they have never known the language of encouragement, empathy or even forgiveness for a mistake because all they knew was appeasing society so much for their own images to be held in high regard.”
Congratulations. You now have an entire demographic of individuals who are clueless about the true meanings of love, acceptance and respect.
As children we don’t want anything from our parents but a little emotional support perhaps can make us armed against the world better. We want to make history, yes, but if you judge us on the capability of doing it by the rules of the world, we won’t ever know what we were meant to achieve in this lifetime. A family is made of a father, a mother and children. When the caregivers act like how the world does, that is when they lose their child to the world.
For sessions and counselling: anjashi.work@gmail.com
