HEALING YOUR INNER CHILD: A Case Study
Patricia (name changed) came to me one day with a severe creative block for an assignment we were supposed to work together in. We could have easily passed it like a PMSing phase but we talked about it for a few minutes and one thing led to the other, revealing a certain episode of her early adulthood years and that did touch a nerve, to be very honest. Later, that week, she came along with her parents to meet me and they had brought a gift to express their gratitude for being with their daughter since a couple of years as we had been working together for various reasons, including the sessions. They had no idea about her continued subscription to the coaching.
Eva (name changed) loved her daughter, Patricia, too much. She had an elder son who was studying in the States and he hardly came home. She spoke of him briefly about how he had topped his classes in school and then was offered a scholarship, which eased the burden on her husband, George (name changed). I asked her if she had the same dreams for her daughter. She gave a painful smile and answered, “We were never sure she could pass High School. We knew we had to make her qualify college and then find a groom for her. It has been 7 years, we didn’t have to find one. She made us proud with her accomplishments and her brother boasts of her in his circle. Most likely, she should be able to shift to the States and then maybe, we shall follow, if destiny permits.”
I asked her, “Why is it a surprise that your daughter stood out? Did you never consider the possibility that she would have perhaps done better if pushed a little?”
Eva answered, “George was always working to make ends meet and my degrees weren’t good enough to secure a proper job to secure funds for both of them.”
“Ma’am, I am not talking about money here. Did you never think she would have probably outdone herself if motivated enough?”
George piped in, “You should have seen her when she was 14–15. Didn’t utter a word, was practically labelled as a dimwit amongst her peers. Of course we wanted to see her shine, but nothing works if we don’t have proof. She has proved herself in the last few years and it’s great! No harm done! Let the past be in the past, shouldn’t we, Patricia?”
Patricia smiled a little to agree with her father, though her eyes told a very different story. I sent her a text, “You should have a conversation with them soon. About this. About whatever we had discussed. Let me know what happens.”
The next evening, Patricia dropped by, while she had started narrating everything that had happened the night before, she had to be calmed down with two glasses of water and a box of tissues.
Patricia: You know, Anjashi, all my life I had thought of myself as someone who had to try a lot to prove a point. I didn’t have to do that. And it makes me angrier that I spent all those years being dishonest to myself because it was about proving myself to everyone around but never once I had thought of making myself proud for simply being me.
Me: What did your parents tell you?
Patricia: I went home and after dinner, asked them to listen to me for a few minutes. Dad was busy with his numbers on the phone and I had to request him twice or thrice to put that phone away and listen to me. I started telling Mum how her obsession with our grades had driven us to the point of complete seclusion from the crowd, more for me because my brother had already moved out for his higher studies. Half of his schooling was somewhere else so I became lonelier than ever with no one to stand up for me when I felt vulnerable. It hurt so much that I used to think I am crazy for being an outcast. It reflected in my grades. Everyone sniffs the weakling easily. They sabotage everything you like and make your life miserable. I knew it wasn’t my fault because I needed to be protected but somehow Mum and Dad didn’t realise it. They thought my introvert self was the reason why people wouldn’t mingle. I told Mum about the time she had screamed at me for scoring lower than the previous term. I had reached out to Dad and he had casually mentioned how I shouldn’t aspire to dream big because it would only make me more disappointed. I openly told them that their words had hurt me and it’s not like I am ungrateful or disrespectful towards them, but I felt attacked on so many levels, one can only imagine.
Me: What did they do to hurt you the most, did you tell them?
Patricia: I had once asked them if I had the chance to go abroad for higher education what would they say. They had just passed a remark about it wouldn’t be worthwhile because I have such poor social skills, I would probably not survive a day. And they didn’t want my brother to face the brunt of my sentimental self because apparently he was the brighter kid and needed a clear headspace. He couldn’t be bothered.
Me: Did you tell them that their lack of expectations made you question your worth?
Patricia: It wasn’t the lack of expectations, they were just apologetic to everyone that I wasn’t as bright as my brother. Everywhere we went, everyone asked about him. Nobody gave a damn about what I wanted to do or what made me happy.
Me: What did your parents say after you told them about your feelings?
Patricia: Mum listened quite intently. Dad was silent and he continued to look at a distant spot. He hasn’t spoken to me since. I don’t know what to make of it. I had gone to give him tea in the morning and served lunch but he avoided eye contact with me, so I am not sure what to think.
Me: Do you feel better expressing everything?
Patricia: Like I said, I don’t know what to think because both of them are quiet and I can’t stay like that, not talking to either of them.
Me: Don’t pressurise yourself by trying to figure out what to do or what not to do. You did your part. When the time comes, they’ll do their part too.
Two days later, Patricia called me up and said that her mother wanted to speak to me. Eva was shaky on call and I suggested that a face-to-face meeting would be better. She came over, alone, and by the looks of it, she was flustered narrating her side of the story. She said that she never knew Patricia was hurt because George and her had forever fussed over their son. Patricia had never been demanding or asking, hence, it was rather difficult to understand her state of mind. She admitted that she had been harsh several times because she wanted to be the mom of TWO BRIGHT CHILDREN who always topped class. Her greed had driven her to act out of line frequently, hampering her daughter’s self-respect. She spoke of her husband too. She had a talk with him and he had expressed his lack of empathy was rooted in the staunch upbringing his dad had been a vocal supporter of. He had never seen independent women in his own family therefore his daughter being someone influential in her own merit looked like a far-fetched idea. He wasn’t able to see his daughter in the face because he knew he was wrong and it was shameful that he had just been a good father to only one of his kids, and that hurt him more because parents are supposed to love unconditionally and he put conditions- she wasn’t as bright as his son hence was invisible. He felt disgusted with himself on a certain level and wanted to make amends. Eva asked for articles and books on parenting and requested me not to tell Patricia of our interaction. She wanted to make things better and my involvement would perhaps make her daughter feel that a ‘coach’ was required to make her mother see sense. Eventually, Eva revealed to Patricia of our meeting and George spoke to me about my parents too. I told him, parents are human beings too, they make mistakes. True awakening lies in the idea that we look at people as individuals first. The ego stays put that way. There is no competition here about who is right and wrong. This is just a realisation that things can get better if you put an effort. And when you do, there are miracles to be expected because they are found in the invisible. Always.
I offer coaching in case you need more help. Reach out: anjashi.work@gmail.com
