A MONTH LONG SESSIONS WITH PARENTS: Review and Analysis
It is a little over a month since my newest course picked pace up all of a sudden. This one took me quite long to formulate the entire programme since I had no idea what the right moment would look like when I would be ready to talk to individuals who were probably double my age, sometimes even more. Apart from this, most parents were not even aware that I had been working with their children for more than a couple of years.
Here are a few things I want to list down first before we get into the details of how the first month went:
- Most parents do not have an idea of how they display borderline narcissist behavioural traits.
2. The idea of ‘energy’ is a misnomer to most of them since they are too bounded by logic and rationale.
3. Frequency is not understood by a majority even when their children are bending their backs to emphasise that good thoughts will lead to good things, eventually leading to a tense environment at home.
4. Nobody, literally nobody, understands the concept of ‘boundaries’.
5. Victimhood is the say of the day. Always.
6. Blame- games are rampant.
7. Society is more important rather than self- satisfaction.
There is a pattern I see and hear mostly. If you are someone who is struggling to convince your parents about an idea please understand that they belong a time when possibilities ‘did not’ exist owing to the narrative set by the elders and people around them. As time passed, most of them could not adapt to the new way of thought processes and remained stagnant in their minds, thereby creating this discord with their progeny, what we popularly associate with ‘generation gap’. No matter how hard you try to explain the feasibility of an available option, they do not agree to it because the established belief systems are too rigid to even be moved or tweaked or discarded.
Anger Issues: I will be blatant here- most children do not think they are enough simply because violence (physical and verbal) was the only way to ‘get something done’. What is anger? It is the emotion rooted in fear that something is not happening the way it should and one loses calm to deal with a crisis in the manner they ‘think can work’. I will repeat that again- “in the manner they think something can work”. This leads to children picking up rage as a tool to get something done. In relationships, work, social situations, name it.
Education is not just formal. What is taught at home is also necessary. Which is why I feel patriarchy subdues men as much as women because it tells men that aggression is necessary and being sensitive won’t make the cut.
[Annotated: When a child is speaking facts or laying an alternate opinion it is not disrespect.]
Victimhood: People may call me impossibly insensitive here but I am okay with causing discomfort even if I have to state the fact of the matter. There is an immense satisfaction parents find when they play a victim. I do not understand this maybe because I’ve grown to believe and learned along my spiritual journey that playing a victim takes you nowhere. The entire ambience of the house suddenly goes from high frequency to low frequency the moment a parent starts to explain how something is ‘beyond their control’. The children then tend to think it is probably their mistake for not having the ‘perfect environment’. So, a number of inner- child healing sessions with clients had the same narrative, “Mom/Dad always said money is scanty and I have to do ABC to get XYZ amount to ensure my sibling (s) are taken care of…” OR “My father was always abusive and my mother kept crying all day whereas she could have walked out of the marriage as my grandparents were quite supportive but she didn’t and our house was always in chaos, my grades started falling and my mother didn’t stop the complaining neither walked out so I don’t know what to do or what to stand by…” OR “I fell from my bike one time and my parents made a big ruckus about how this injury would have costed them more than I could imagine because if something happened to me a list of their wishes would remain unfulfilled… they did not say it directly but I overheard some conversations that reflected the idea that I might not have the privilege or luxury to maybe tend to a personal issue ever…” These are some examples. Trust me, the list is a huge one and I I probably sat and wept over the mails for around a couple of days because all that the letters ended with was, “I wish they had a little faith in me”; “I just pray one day they are able to trust me”; “I wish they listen to me instead of ABC” … I wish, I ‘wish’.
The fear is justified. But how do you explain this inherent need to think of the worst case scenario at every crisis instead of being a source of calm? How do you think the children will turn out? Everyone keeps talking of all the sacrifices parents make. I am not denying that. But is asking for a bit of trust too much? I don’t think children want anything else apart from their parents to be an emotional support. Because I see clients who didn’t have access to basic necessities and they say sentences like, “My father/ mother stood against these many people and he/ she believed in me when no one did.” They earn in millions, have faculties named after them, NGOs, etc. And they come from NOTHING.
An Injured Self- Respect: Humiliating a kid in front of outsiders, extended families, family friends, etc. is never a good idea. That resentment is hard to get rid of. Just telling you the truth. Deal with such sensitive matters in private. Reprimanding a child in public for an innocent mistake will not make you into the best parent in the world. Think what you may, but it shows how desperately you want to be validated by the world around that you would give up your child’s self- respect for societal acceptance.
Blame- games and Mud Slinging: This perhaps is my favourite issue to deal with because I might have received a dozen mails on how parents like blaming random people or even each other when there is a minor inconvenience in the house. So it goes like, “If you are married soon, I can take a moment’s rest”; “You are not getting a better job or else we could have moved to a better place..” ; “You are always against me and that is why I have stopped talking”; “You do not participate in family functions so all the elders think I have not taught you manners”. It’s unbelievable.
It is the easiest thing to pass the blame onto someone in the family. I am yet to comprehend the need to appease society, honestly telling you. Marrying not for love, but for societal obligations, getting into a high- paying job because ABC’s son/ daughter is in some position even if the job is murdering you everyday, you know the drill, don’t you?
In the modern day and age, we have just reached two extremes of parenting. One group relies on the traditional method of parenting where they are only concerned with food, clothes, shelter, paying for education and the other group is too contemplative and procrastinate before every single issue with children.
I have counselled mothers, mothers-in- law, grandmoms but I have never seen a father, fathers-in-law or grandfathers reaching out. The good part however is, male partners of female clients are breaking the norm and I ‘wish’ this had been a regular phenomenon throughout history.
P. S. Lack of love is also abuse. When women are not loved and cared for properly they will give birth to traumatised children. These children will go and damage society, hurt everyone and end up being alone. PEOPLE IN THERAPY ARE IN THERAPY BECAUSE OF THOSE WHO WON’T GO TO THERAPY.
